My brother is an alien

Sasha: A few people have been asking for more information about Rupert.

Rupert: That's me!

Sasha: Yes... yes, it is.

Rupert: So what about me then? What? What?

Sasha: Well, I thought we'd start with the fact that you are an alien.

Rupert: What??

Sasha: It's perfectly obvious. Let us examine the evidence...

1. You turned up just after I saw those aliens landing in the park.


2. Groucho is an alien. He has a biiiiig head, and a teeeensy body. As do you.

3. Groucho is an alien. He has a very special style of relaxing. As do you.

4. When we play we turn into a two-jawed beast. This doesn't happen when I play with non-alien puppies.

Rupert: Yeah... well... um... well, our human said you were a bit precious. So there!

Sasha: What?? I am not a bit precious - I am extremely precious. Are you sure she didn't say I was the most precious thing in her life? Because I am, you know, I'm sure of it!

Rupert: Hey, I can only tell you what I heard. She also said you are sometimes a princess, so nah!

Sasha: Well, of course I'm a princess! Finally, the recognition I deserve!

Rupert: ... er...

Sasha: Oh, thank you my dear, dear, new little brother, for telling me such wonderful things! Now I even don't mind so much that you are an alien!

Rupert: ... oh... ... sigh...

Our human, by Sasha Grumblebum Velasquez and Rupert von Rupert

Rupert: So, Sasha, I see Oskar's asking everyone to write about their humans this weekend. Seems like a good time for you to tell me about our human, seeing as how I'm a bit new around here.

Sasha: Sure thing, Rupey, what would you like to know? But before we start, perhaps, to protect the innocent, we should simply refer to her as "our human".

Rupert: Ok, but why don't we just call her Elizabeth? That's what everyone one else calls her.

Sasha: No, but the whole point is to... Oh, forget it. Let's call her "Elizabeth".

Rupert: So how long have you known her?

Sasha: My whole life - I chose her when I was just a teensy pup.

Rupert: Wow! So she's as old as you are then? That's really, really old!

Sasha: Actually, she's even older than that - more than 6 doggy years!

Rupert: And are we her first puppies?

Sasha: No, she had a doggie called Suzy when she was a little girl. Suzy was a beagle, and used to climb the fence then run and play in the bush.

Rupert: Did she have any other pets?

Sasha: She had a cat called Puss when she was a bit older, but she always remembers her Grandma's big, ginger farm cat, Dougal, from when she was a little girl. She loved Dougal!

Rupert: Did our human grow up on a farm, then?

Sasha: No, actually, she grew up all over the place - she was born in Australia, but moved to Canada when she was little. After a few years there, the family moved to New Zealand, where she finished growing up. Then she went back to Australia for a few more years, and lived in Brisbane and Sydney, before taking herself off to London for a couple of years. When she came back she moved to Melbourne and has been there ever since (except for when she was travelling in Europe or Africa or Asia).

Rupert: So what does she do all those times when she leaves us alone?

Sasha: Usually she goes to work - she works in IT. Some days she likes it and some days she doesn't, but she always likes coming home to us! Some evenings she goes to rehearsals for a theatre company - she does a thing called "Gilbert & Sullivan" - you know that singing that sounds like a dying cat?

Rupert: Oh, yes, yuck! She's not working on a show right now, is she? - Coz I don't remember my ears hurting recently.

Sasha: I found some pictures on her computer - look...

Here she is, making dying cat sounds.

Making dying cat sounds with Lily and Jasper's human.

Acting!

Even more acting!

Rupert: With all that travelling and dying cat singing and stuff, why did she decide to get us?

Sasha: Well, she realised that she was spending all of her time rushing to work, being at work, rushing home from work, doing more work at home, and then falling asleep thinking about work. She decided that if she had a doggie then she would be forced to get some balance in her life - and it worked! Before she got us, she only got puppy kisses once a week, from our cousins Bertie and Oliver. Now she gets puppy kisses whenever I choose to give them to her.

Rupert: And whenever she comes within range of my tongue!

Sasha: Yes, you are a bit licky, aren't you...

Rupert: So I understand why she got me, but why did she get you?

Sasha: Actually, if you cast your mind back past the two whole weeks since you moved in with us, you will remember that I was here first. She got me because she wanted a doggie, and she got you because I wanted a doggie. You belong to me - so there!

Rupert: I'm your doggie? I think we're going to have to discuss that at some point...

Sasha: In the meantime, I have a question for you...

Rupert: Yes?

Sasha: Why did you call yourself Rupert von Rupert at the top of the post?

Rupert: Well you've got all those first names - Sasha Grumblebum Velasquez, and I wanted something a bit longer than just Rupert.

Sasha: But why did you use your name twice?

Rupert: Well, Rupert is a very refined and distinguished name, and using it twice makes me even more refined and distinguished!

Sasha: Sigh.

Oh, brother!

Hi everyone

We've had a few changes around here lately.

Well, one change, really...

A few days ago my human came home and said that she had met a doggie who had nowhere to live and no-one to love him, and maybe he could come and live with us. Of course, I immediately insisted on meeting him, so we went right on down to the Lost Dogs Home to see him.

As soon as we met, I knew we would be friends, and...

Rupert: Hello-hello-hello, it's-me it's-me it's-me!

Sasha: (Sigh) His name is Rupert. He's a Schnauzer-cross - I think the cross parts must be gazelle and hog.

Rupert: I'm not a Schnauzer-cross, I'm a Schnauzer-X - that's Schnauzer eXtreme, woohoo!

Sasha: Yes, you are a little hyperactive - and bouncy-bouncy, that's the gazelle part of you.

Rupert: Gazelle, huh? Hmmm... nimble and athletic - that's me! What about the hog bit?

Sasha: You are an attention hog! You are in everyone's face all the time, and have no idea of personal space!

Rupert: I have no idea what you mean.

Sasha: Rupert arrived at the Lost Dogs Home as a stray - he wasn't microchipped, so nobody knew where he came from.

Rupert: That's me - I'm an international pup of mystery!

Sasha: He was extremely skinny. He put on some weight after they started looking after him, but he's still about 2kg underweight. He's almost as tall as my our cousin Bertie, but he weighs less than me! See, those are his ribs and hips sticking out...

Rupert: I prefer to think of myself as stylishly lanky, and... um... well... actually, I'm a bit peckish right now - got anything to eat?

Sasha: Of course, I'm more than happy to share my food with him, and my our human is adding puppy kibble to his meals to help him put on weight. He's about a year old, so he should bounce back very quickly.

Rupert: My skin was a bit dry and itchy, due to eating badly when I was on the lam, but the vet said that it should clear up pretty quickly with premium food and perhaps some olive oil added my food. Ooh, I must say, though, that oatmeal bath our human gave me was really soothing.

Sasha: Rupert, no-one knows where you came from - what do you remember?

Rupert: I remember that it was cold and hungry and lonely. And then I met my new human and gave her lots of kisses, and then I met you and we sniffed and wagged, and played a lot. And now I'm all warm and fed and loved. And I'm quite happy to keep it that way, thank you very much - my life as a down-on-his-luck street-pup is officially over!

Sasha: Rupert is very at-home inside, and loves meeting people and other dogs, so he was obviously well-treated by his first family - but he's completely untrained. He can't even sit!

Rupert: I can so sit! I do it all the time.

Sasha: But not when our human asks you to.

Rupert: Why would I want to do that?

Sasha: To get a treat. Humans like to think they've taught you a trick, even if it's something you do all the time anyway. You do a trick, they give you a treat.

Rupert: I thought it was trick or treat. Let me choose... ummm... trick or treat... trick or treat... I know, I choose treat!

Sasha: It's not optional, they go together. You trick them into giving you a treat for doing something you already knew how to do.

Rupert: Well, I know lots of tricks, I should be raking in the treats!

Sasha: I haven't seen you do a single trick.

Rupert: What about when I tried to steal your dinner off the kitchen table?

Sasha: I don't think that counts.

Rupert: What about the other day, when I jumped on the coffee table and surfed the length of it?

Sasha: Er. Yes. I think some training may be in order.

Rupert: Um.

Sasha: Rupert and I have been playing a lot - look, I'm winning!

Rupert: Now, I'm winning!

Sasha: Whew! I'm pooped after all that playing!

Rupert: Hey, you know what you were saying about me being in your face all the time?

Sasha: Yes, you have no idea that some pups need a bit of personal space. You don't have to always be right on top of me! Why do you ask?

Rupert: Um... no reason.